Send Me Away With a Love Song

Story of my life

How is it possible for someone to feel so sad? I’d understand if I had lost someone, but I have no explanation. Nothing is wrong, but everything just isn’t right. That just doesn’t make any sense. I wish I had a better explanation but if I did then maybe I wouldn’t be so afraid. I mean, if you understand why you’re hurt then you can do things to make it better. Sometimes, I think the worst pain is that which has no name; no reason. When there are too many of these days, I have to stop blaming PMS; though it would just be so much simpler. Ah, maybe the worst is wishing people could feel your hurt but refusing to let them see it. I can admit, I am probably one of the biggest culprits of that. Hoping people can just read your mind and just feel what you feel. How come it can’t be that simple? Then maybe I won’t spend so many nights alone. But it’s hard to let people in when you can’t understand the pain yourself. I have a future. I have friends. I have family. I have my sorority sisters. I have a boyfriend that, well, loves me. And yet, the tears keep coming. It sometimes gets hard to stifle them. One of my biggest fears is someone walking in my closed door and me having to explain myself.

What I’ve discovered about myself and the people around me:

I analyze things. I analyze them to all hell. So far into hell, there’s no way to bring it back to simplicity.

No one else seeing things the way I do. Mostly because people are smarter and leave things skin deep.

But people are also dumber because they leave things skin deep.

I am a mess. My mind is like one of those mazes that’s so complicated, where you think, “why am I even doing this?”.

I am starting to think that I’m just crazy. My highs and lows are starting to happen too close together. (The tears stopped abruptly) That’s the crazy thing, one minutes I’m driving myself crazy, ending up in tears and a minute later, I couldn’t tell you why I was so sad.

 Hormones, I’m tellin’ ya. They’re a bitch.

I hope they’re hormones.

2012 Relay For Life of University of Michigan Flint | Relay For Life

What I Saw

What I saw today was a quite awkward looking couple while getting food. He had his arm around her waist… while walking. My eyes grew wide and it was hard to stifle my laughter while shaking my head. My biggest pet peeve is when two people can’t let each other go for 5 seconds. That probably stems from being stuck behind that one couple always holding hands in the hallway in high school. But I realize looking at the situation, only a couple hours later, the things I didn’t see. I didn’t see a single doubt in either of their eyes. I didn’t see questioning or a lack of feelings. Now with this realization, this is what I should have seen: two people who love each other. When they held hands they felt an electricity so great that it would have been a crime if they had untangled their fingers. When he looked at her, she wasn’t awkward, she was the most beautiful person in the world. She was perfect. I take back what I thought and what I said then. Honestly, what wouldn’t I give to be just like them?

Surviving

The days get harder and you’re not sure where to turn. Life seems to be crashing down on you; making it hard to breathe. You never know who’s truly there for you until you’re going through the hardest days of your life. Even then, they don’t quite understand your problems as hard as they honestly try. And you understand that. How could they possibly know without being in your shoes. Sometimes you just have to be able to help yourself. It’s about taking one day at a time and moving from there. Things can change in heart beat and that’s what makes life scary. To have it all, then have nothing. But you have to believe that people are there for you, that they want to help. Whether is love, finances, family or you’re just falling a little behind on the happy train…. it gets better. It may not feel like it will now or tomorrow or maybe even next week but what you’re experiencing doesn’t have to dictate the rest of your life. What you’re going through doesn’t have to define you. Yes, it will more than likely change your feelings, beliefs, maybe even your hopes and dreams but it won’t change who you are meant to be. In fact, these kinds of things only bring you closer to being well… you. If God brings you to it, he’ll get you through it. You’re life isn’t over unless you let it go. The one thing I hate most is when people sit and feel sorry for themselves. Get up, go out, and find a solution. Talk to people, make connections. THE WORLD IS FILLED WITH PEOPLE WHO CAN HELP YOU. Not everyone is filled with hate. You just have to take the initiative to do it. But don’t get me wrong, I’m better at giving advice than following it myself so I understand why you’d rather wallow in your own self pity but look at it this way, people don’t feel as sorry for you as you think they do and to be pitied is no way to live. Everyone has their own reasons to cry and you can’t expect people to cry for you as well. Take control of your life and make something of yourself because you are someone. You’re human and you’re beautiful the way you are, “faults” and all. Someone is out there to love you, to lend a helping hand, or just be a close friend. Don’t miss these chances because they may never come around again. Live big, love big, dream big.

We are evil

What makes people do the things they do? What motivates people to be rude, arrogant, cruel, and just plain awful to one another? When I start to believe that the world is generally good there’s something to take me back to believing the world is generally evil. People don’t do things for the greater of mankind, they do things for themselves. No one can just be honest enough with themselves to admit it. We do things to hurt others, to crush them down so that they feel nothing anymore. Those people feel pain and we smile at that fact. Then those who felt this pain realize the only way to get by is to be the one to now create the pain, the pain in others. And yet some how we’re surprised when people stop taking our shit and start standing up for themselves. And when they do, we think, “Who the fuck do they think they are for having feelings? For not wanting to be tortured by our words and actions.” When we’re the ones being attack we want people to help us; we want to be saved and for people to care. Selfish. Yet when we’re the ones attacking we bash those trying to help the weaker. We slander them. We are evil, evil human beings and we thrive on each others pain. We feel joy when we can destroy someone “beneath” us. Because we think we’re so high and mighty. But the truth, because no one seems to get it. We are skin, blood, and bone. We are killed by plauge, natural disasters, and by God’s hand. We are not invincible because we can hurt and kill each other. We are weak. We are evil. Start admitting it to yourself and maybe you’ll start to see the truth. Maybe you’ll stop hating yourself enough to stop hating each other.

Dear Time

Dear Time,

I’d really appreciate it if you would go by faster. This past week as been the hardest week I have gone through in like, forever. You have held me back from being with the one person on this Earth that I want to be with most. Don’t you get that I have needs? Well, I do and you are the only thing standing in the way. I’d appreciate it if you could possibly move just a bit faster. I hate to be a bother because I know you have much to do but even if you just speed it up like 1/2 a second it would really mean the world to me. Oh and if you can also make my 4.5 hour drive tomorrow into like a 10 minute one instead…. that would be great! Thanks I really appreciate it.

Love,

The girl with needs and little patience

I’ll Take It Back…

For now. She’s moving in today and though we’ve heard nothing but bad awful things, she brought us a bigger garbage can and a flat screen TV. Oh and she has Netflix.

The “Oh Shit” Phenomenon

Definition: When you ask yourself, “how the hell did I end up so completely in love with this person?”

Indicators that this is happening to you many include but are not limited to:

• When every song reminds you of them.
• When you want to spend every waking moment with them.
• When no one else with suffice.
• When all you want is to feel their skin against yours.
• When you look into their eyes and it melts your heart.
• When they still give you butterflies.
• When their touch makes you nervous.
• When they’re all you want all day, everyday.
• When you would do anything for them.
• When their kiss burns.
• When you could spend the rest of your days with them.
• When no one around you can make you feel any doubt.
• When you let them into your heart deeper then anyone’s ever ventured before.
• When you’re not afraid anymore.

Special thanks to my good friend Nick for the inspiration to create the “Oh Shit” list.